Friday, December 4, 2009

D-Bag-O-Meter: Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,
We’re not sure if you’ve heard or not, but alleged cheaters? D-Bag-O-Meter no likey. Remember this and this? In the words of DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba (Lydia’s fave), let’s “break it down.”

1. Your wife is gorgeous. She's a former model and a former nanny. Pretty much the perfect woman, right? So let’s get this straight. You allegedly chose her and her and her over the mother of your children who also happens to be a former model? Interesting.

2. You have kids. We know children can sometimes complicate things. They can be needy, demanding and sometimes annoying. But they’re also innocent, loving and really, really cute. Congratulations. You’ve just given them more of a reason to hate you throughout adolescence. Hope you negotiated who pays for therapy in that fancy prenup of yours.

3. You pride yourself on your pristine image. Oh Tiger, you're always so holier than thou. You walk around that golf course like you've got one of your clubs up your...well, you know where we're going with that. So, how's that whole staying out of the tabloids and maintaining a private life thing working out for you? We get that you’re rich and powerful, but did you really think you wouldn’t get caught? And even worse you tried to pretend that your hot-ex-model-wife was using a golf club to break you out of the car? Dude, the American public may be overweight and undereducated, but we've all watched Jerry Springer.

4. You’re a role model. Not only do little kids look up to you, but my husband does as well. First Josh Duhamel and now you? He has a freaking Wheaties box with your picture on it still sitting on his book shelf at his parent’s house and if I would have let him I'm 99% sure he would have hung a poster of you doing your stupid hand pump in our bed room. You've officially crushed the dreams of man-children across the globe. Not cool, Tiger, not cool.

5. Now we have to spend the rest of 2009 suffering through headlines, tweets, Facebook status updates, texts, etc. featuring some combination of the words “Tiger is a cheetah.” Brutal.

I could go on, but the D-Bag-O-Meter is ready to pounce. (See what I did there? Tiger? Pounce? Genius right?)



The D-Bag-O-Meter has spoken. Rumor has it Ed Hardy is coming up with a line of golf shirts in your honor. I smell a sponsorship! Tell Jon we say hello.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is from a friend of mine, I thought I would share

I have to say I find it funny, too, the idea of his petite wife chasing him with a golf club and him running scared. Funny like when I saw this old black lady running at a young white male journalist with her cane. That voice mail was pretty funny, too. He was as scared as a teenager. That's the extent of my interest, superficial as that is, although I am intrigued at his choice in women: nannies, cocktail waitresses, hotel hostesses, etc. Did he believe that just because they're white they wouldn't be "common"? I'd probably be more invested if he were a "family values" politician or preacher. Tiger's values are/were self-imposed. And he never really set himself up as any kind of ideal person. The media did that, his sponsors marketed the image, and fans (and the envious) played along.

Married straight women are far more interested in judging him, I've noticed; most likely projecting their own marital insecurities. And all of this reminds me that the ideal of monogamy continues to dominate, along with its miserable failures.

Miki

Alissa said...

My Dad received the new issue of Golf Digest in the mail yesterday. It apparently went to press awhile back as there is a picture of Tiger and Obama playing golf and a headline that reads something like "10 Tips from Tiger for Obama", which my dad editorialized as, "Tip Number One: Don't send text messages to your hos."

A. Grey said...

Right on. I actually defended the sorry sack of s*#@t at first, thinking that the public loves to 'read into' anything and make a good story of it.
Yet again, I am reminded of why I'm 29 and have never dated. Not that there aren't great men out there. My twin sis is married to one. But still... *sigh*

Karen said...

I just love that the phrase "Tiger Woods" is now becoming a verb. "Was your wife so mad she Tiger Woodsed you?" I guess technically it should be in the passive voice. "My wife was so mad, I got Tiger Woodsed."

I do hope, for their children's sake, that he can change and they can work it out.

Melissa Sarno said...

Hilarious! Although I'm disturbed by #5. I'm so sick of hearing about it already and think there are plenty of other issues the news could be focusing on beyond the endless d-bags in our society.

MeganRebekah said...

Oh way too funny! And sad. I always liked Tiger. My dad loved Tiger. He was just one of those guys that showed not all celebrities are jerks. And now he's proved the opposite.

Solvang Sherrie said...

I have to say this one really made me sad. I really liked Tiger Woods and I hate golf!

Why is it impossible for male celebrities to keep their damn pants on? Seriously? Is there at least one who can stay faithful to his wife? I'm gonna Tiger Woods anyone who tells me Paul Newman was sleeping around.

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

Tiger is a cheetah! I love it. Too funny, love the d-bag-o-meter!

Christy Pinheiro, EA ABA said...

The d-Bag-O-meter is hilarious! Is that Spencer Pratt in the "top douche" position?

Classic.

Loretta Nyhan said...

This is just too funny. That photo of him staring at his gun is hilarious, and so, so telling.

Christina Lee said...

Well done ladies--you already know how I feel on the subject !!

Stephanie Thornton said...

Funny! I'm avoiding the news websites for a while- I don't want to hear about this.

rae said...

The Ed Hardy thing was a nice touch.

Katie said...

Oh how I love the D bag O meter. I think it should definitely be patented. You know y'all could be the next Fug sisters with all your celeb info.

I cracked up at Tiger crushing "Man Children" everywhere. hysterical!

Icy Roses said...

Regardless of the fact of whether or not he cheated (which it seems like he did at this point) and that is douchey enough, apparently the guy likes to stiff waiters. A billionare who doesn't leave tips when he goes out to eat? (His friends are forced to cover for him.)

That's a sign of a real asshole. Isn't that what they say? Don't marry someone who treats their waiters poorly?

Nisa said...

Couldn't have said it better myself. So sad!

Shelli said...

seriously his wife is hotter than the hostess

id a beat his a$$ too.

Donna Gambale said...

I always look forward to these so much! Thanks for another great one!

Shannon Messenger said...

So sad and so true. I can't say I'm surprised--during the brief time when I worked in Hollywood I saw what D-Bags the "nice guys" really are (and if I hadn't been forced to sign non disclosure statements at my job I would happily tell you) But yeah, fame and money = total D-Bag overload. Sadly, the only thing that will make this go away is the next scandal. Le Sigh.

Conda V. Douglas said...

Funny! But I hate that yet another hero...isn't.

ElanaJ said...

:) I love you guys.

Jill Kemerer said...

Seriously! He's married to the most beautiful creature on earth. Has two kids. What's he thinking??

And the golf club. Don't get me started...

Have a great weekend!
(My UsWeekly did not arrive today. Can you say withdrawals??)

Sarah said...

It's always such a happy day when the good ol' d-bag meter comes out.
All I have to say is that I'm losing my faith in humanity. Really, Tiger? Josh Duhamel? Who-freaking-next? (Not to mention the fact that Jake and Reese might be finito?)

Excuse me while I go sob into my Sexiest Man Alive issue of People. I'll also be hissing threats at JD, "Pirates do NOT cheat, do you hear me? No d-bag meter for you or we're THROUGH. I mean it!"

sunna said...

As always, the D-Bag-O-Meter, it speaks truth.

That photo kills me. Dude, you play GOLF, not rugby. Get over yourself.

Gail said...

Girls:
This was too funny!The tears were rolling I was laughing so hard.
Seriously, are you as tired as I am of seeing men who have a good life ruin their lives (and the lives of their wife and children) just to get some secret nookie? Come on now!!!! Do men always have to think below the belt? And while I'm on a rant, why do they all believe they will get away with it and not get found out???? That's the best proof that women ARE smarter than men! (okay, I'll get off the soapbox now....sorry)

storyqueen said...

I knew you'd to this post!!

Yep. I mean, how could you not?

Shelley

Heather said...

I love this so much I literally have no words...and I'm a writer! Genius.

Erica said...

So funny! Yep, you totally nailed him... LOL

Shannon O'Donnell said...

This is exactly why I never watch the news and I never read the paper! I prefer to live in a bubble of denial - the world's much more pleasant that way!

Jemi Fraser said...

It's so disappointing to see another celeb cheating. It's becoming so routine. Scares the bejeepers out of me. Our kids are growing up thinking this kind of stuff is run-of-the-mill! Depressing.

Danyelle said...

You gals are brilliant!

Annette Lyon said...

#4 is the one that's killing me. My 10-year-old found out about the whole news story and was horrified and confused because Tiger has such a clean-cut image--and one of her school teachers has a poster in her classroom and loves him and all that. She has a hard time reconciling the image with what he's done.

Yeah, honey--even people who LOOK good can be scum. Sad that she has to learn that at her age and in this way.

Tabitha Bird said...

LOL some of these comments!

And here we were thinking Tiger was some sort of squaky clean thing. What I want to know is why did he have to bring all that muck with him Down Under? We invited him to play golf, not play up. Though I did enjoy watching him self implode. Why are these kind of men so damned blatant about what they do? Did he not think reporters here would be sniffing out who came to his hotel?

I feel for his wife and kids. They are the real victims.

My husband said, "You know you are having a bad day when your hos start arguing over you."

JennyMac said...

This made me laugh and I only laughed harder when I read Alissa's comment about her dad's insight. #@#)(&(!^! BRILLIANT!

Shelby said...

His wife looks/seems like a truly nice person. Why'd she marry him.

jessjordan said...

I never liked Tiger, so I'm mostly annoyed that every time I turn on the T.V., I have to see his annoying, holier-than-thou face everywhere. Ugh. Bad, Tiger. Bad.

Natalie said...

Messed up. Well said ladies.

Kimberly Derting said...

You said it, sisters! He's D-Bag-O-Meter (patent pending) worthy if anyone is.

Genius post!!!

Rhonda said...

Well, that just pretty summed up my assessment of the Tiger situation...only much better and far wittier than I would have done! :)

jessjordan said...

p.s. In case you didn't watch the soup, that guy Joel whatever-his-last-name-is said something I thought you'd appreciate:

"Tiger Woods beat out Jon Gosselin in the Douchebag Masters this week. He won the coveted Ed Hardy green jacket."

baha

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Great post! Love the Tiger is a cheetah part. My husband's colleague cheated on his wife with one of his coworkers. At least she'll get a good chunk of his millions in the divorce settlement. Unlike Tiger, the guy shacked up with the coworker (who had just had a second child with her husband). These guys really make me sick. Hopefully Tiger loses his endorsements. He's not the role model I want for my kids.

Bethany Wiggins said...

She should have used a driver on him! Not a 3 iron.

Kelly H-Y said...

AMEN to that!

Anonymous said...

i am all too familiar with scum lately. my boyfriend of two and a half year(sorry EX) just pulled a tiger and i cant imagine what it would be like if you were married with kids AND in the public eye.

as i said to my ex,

you are scum bag white trash and deserve to be miserable the rest of your life!

thinking of his poor poor wife (soon to be EX)

Ian said...

I'm back and dropping a note to let you know this post has been nominated to receive the best "Rant" of the year award. Good luck!

http://thedailydoseofreality.blogspot.com/2009/12/first-annual-ddor-year-end-awards-part_18.html